Boredom
by Leoanda Taylor
Summary: Ever wondered what the fairy language at the bottom of the books said? Well, now you can know, because I was soo bored one day that I worked it out. This is what they said:
1. Book 1

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL NOR ANY OF THE WRITTEN PIECES BELOW. THIS IS MERELY TO POINT OUT WHAT IS WRITTEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOOKS.

**Artemis Fowl  
**_by Leoanda Taylor_

The prophecies of Ohm Phlegm Pot Cleaner to Fronde Lfen King.

I am Ohm Phlegm Pot Cleaner of the King. But I am much more than that, for I see the future written in phlegm. For centuries we pixies have read the phlegm, but I am the best there has ever been. My visions are generally of little importance. I foretell outbreaks of troll pox, or gas spasms among elderly dwarfs. But sometimes, even a poor pot cleaner can see wonderous things.

A vision came to me two moons ago, when I was gazing deep into his majesty's own phlegm pot. I was heating the pot over a flames when the sign appeared. This vision was more vivid and detailed than any I had previously seen. Because of it's importance I decided to write it down for prosterity. And so I can say I told you so. I saw an age when the people have been driven underground by the mud men.

This is what the Phlegm told me.

In this tome one shall come among us. Fowl by name, and foul by nature. A mud man unlike any other. He shall learn our secrets and use them against us. His face is pale, he has dark eyes and raven hair. Yet it must be a mistake for he seems a meer youth. Surely no mud boy could outwit the people.

But now I see that the boy is not alone. He is aided by a formidable worrior, scarred from a thousand battles.

This Fowl shall hold the people to ransom for their most precious possession. Gold. And in spite of all our magic, there is a chance that he will prevail. For he has discovered how to escape the time field. Unfortunately how the story ends, I cannot say. But there was more to see. There is another story to come.

Someone will bring the people and mud men together. The worst of both races. This fairy's goal is to grind all the creatures of the earth beneath he boot. And who is this traitor? It is not clear. But he shall start a war unlike anything the people have ever seen. Those who were enemies, shall now be united against him. And for the first time, there will be mud men below ground.

I have one clue to his identity, a riddle.

Goblins shall rise, and Haven shall fall, a villainous elf is behind it all, to find the one who disappoints, look ye to where the finger points. Instead of one face this elf has two. Both speak false and none speak true. While publically he lends a helping hand, his true aim is to seize command.

I know. It's not very plain, is it? I don't understand it either. But perhaps the future all will become clear. Look for a power hungry elf, who has a finger pointed at him during our tale. And so this is Olms legacy.

A warning that may save the world from total destruction. These not much to work with, I know. The details are a bit sketchy. My advice to you is to consult the phlegm. It may be that you are sensitive. I have buried this prophecy with my phlegm pot. If you are not fortunate enough to work as a phlegm pot cleaner, then there is usually a supply of phlegm every time you have a cold.

Here endeth the first prophecy of Olm.

But because of the importance of my visions I shall repeat the phrophecies once more.

If you have just begun to understand the text, then read on.

I you have worked out the entire message, the congratulations!

Now go and save the world.

**A/N:** Well, this was translated directly from the book, and yes, I was extremely bored when I did it. Thank you for reading! The next lot will be up soon (I also translated them!) Thank you!


	2. Book 2

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL NOR ANY OF THE WRITTEN PIECES BELOW. THIS IS MERELY TO POINT OUT WHAT IS WRITTEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOOKS.

**A/N:** Thank you to both reviewers!

**Artemis Fowl  
and the Artic Incident  
**_by Leoanda Taylor_

One of the strangest creatures on the earth - or more accurately, below it - is the commom stinkworm. Stinkworms can only survive below the earths crust, and so have never been seen by humans. The stinkworm can grow to the length of fifteen centimeters and a diameter of up to eight centimeters. The bigger a stinkworm is, the more meat there is on its soft boned skeleton, and the more valuable it is to a merchant.

Stinkworm are big business in the fairy world, and have been for thousands of years. They are very versatile creatures, and can be boiled, fried, backed, or even eaten raw - though this sushi approach can be difficault to swallow, as the stink associated with the worms does not disappear until they are cooked.

The current favourite way to eas the stinkworm is in a dish similar to a bolonase, substituting stinkworm for spagetti. Deep fried on a skewer is popular among the younger generation. What makes the stinkworm so deliciousl is its juices.

When the worm is heated in a pan or oven it bastes itself in a delicious spicy juice, which even the best chefs have failed to reproduce. This juice is in fact, earwax, from the hundreds of ears that cove each worms body.

Some of the sensitive fairies cannot forget that thay are eating earwax, and do not enjoy eating stinkworm, but most are to entranced by the flavour that thay are quite prepared to ignore where it comes from/

Goblins in particular love stinkworm, and are constantly inventing new ways to consume them.

The rarest and most prized stinkworm dish, is a stir fried bowl of stinkworm ears. The ears are shaved from the worms body, rolled in flour, and then lightly fried. This dish takes hours to prepare, and costs a fortune.

Goblins believe that if you eat a bowl of worm ears, then you absorb the worms memories of the places they have visited. This is not an appealing thought when you consider that a stinkworms favourite environment is fresh troll dung.

**A/N:** This was translated directly from the book, and not a very pleasant one at that. Thank you for reading! The next one should be up soon. Thank you!


	3. Book 3

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL NOR ANY OF THE WRITTEN PIECES BELOW. THIS IS MERELY TO POINT OUT WHAT IS WRITTEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOOKS

**Dedication:** Full dedication and personal thanks goes to _ilex-ferox_ for pointing out how to de-code the message, so this goes completely out to you! Thank you!!

**Artemis Fowl  
****and the Eternity Code  
**_by Leoanda Taylor_

_Cover_: Think fairy. Think again.

A message from Artemis Fowl.

Encrypted.

My dear newfound ally, if you have deciphered this code, then you are of sufficient intelligence to aid me in my mission.

You may have heard of the Fowl family, and imagine this mission to be illegal or even dangerous. I promise you this is not the case all. I ask that you help me keep my memories where they belong. In my head. There are certain forces at work that wish to deprive me of memories that are rightfully mine. These forces would wipe certain facts from my brain that are extremely important, not to mention valuable.

Who are these forces?

They are known as The People. I know what you are thinking. This person Artemis Fowl has obviously lost his mind. Fairy people, he cannot honestly expect me to believe this nonsense.

It is an understandable reaction.

Two years ago I would have reacted exactly the same way, but a lot can change in two years.

I have seen green-skinned sprites fly under their own power, I have seen dwarfs use their cavernous mouths to dig tunnels, I have witnessed the healing power of elves and touched the flank of a noble centaur. These creatures exist.

Take my word for it.

But as powerful as these creatures are, they fear one thing, humans. We are the only living creatures with the power to overthrow their underground society. Our own magic. So the people have decided that it is too dangerous to have a human boy with fairy knowledge in his head. Soon, they will mind wipe me and this extraordinary information will disappear.

There is one way to stop this happening.

I have entrusted a computer disk to a reprobate of Mulch Diggums. The disk contains all my knowledge of the fairy folk. Of course the mind wipe will cause me to forget all about the dwarf and the disk. Diggums should bring the disk to me but common criminals are not to be trusted.

I ask you to get a message to me.

The message is simple. Six words only.

'Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums.'

Wherever you see one of the faithful clutching this book, repeat those words. The message will spread like a virus across the world eventually reaching my ears. I will act upon it, putting all my resources into locating the mysterious Mister Diggums. Once I find him the disk will reactivate all my memories and the knowledge will be mine again. Do this for me and when I rule the world, then you will be rewarded.

Remember, 'Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums.'

Your new friend,

Artemis Fowl II

**

* * *

**

**Leoanda:** I have been working on this translation since _ilex-ferox_ pointed out the opening message, and this lead to me working my way through the book for a number of weeks, trying to de-code the book. It was long, hard and I have promised myself to never do this again. But I would like to thank _ilex-ferox_ once more, so Thank you!

Also, the fairy writing at the bottom of **The Artemis Fowl Files**, only consists of the repetative writing of the title, throughout the whole thing.


	4. Book 4

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL NOR ANY OF THE WRITTEN PIECES BELOW. THIS IS MERELY TO POINT OUT WHAT IS WRITTEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOOKS.

**A/N:** Thank you to all reviewers!!! The books that I am translating from are the bigger ones with the pictures on, rather than the smaller ones where it is merely the Book, or a code of somesort. Thank you once again!

**Artemis Fowl  
and the Opal Deception  
**_by Leoanda Taylor_

There has never been a regulated scientific study of dwarfs special abilities. What we know about them is based on folklore and hearsay. The most famous of these abilities is the dwarf tunneling method, by which they eat dirt and air, before exeplling them out of the other end.

Though the actual force of this expulsion havs never been measured, several witnesses have reported windows breaking more than twenty meters away. It is said that a master recycler can finetune his gas emissions so that instead of a widespread blast of flatulance, he shoots out a concentrated column of wind.

Legend has it that one such master recycler, a certain Blast Diggums, was so accurate with tthose columns, that he could turn on a light switch from the other side of the room.

Dwarfs themselves use casual terms to refer to the strength of their gas emissions.

A 'shirt flapper' is a gentle emission that would barely inflate a childs balloon.

A 'pants ripper' is a sturdier blast, and would certainly blow a hole in even the sturdiest material.

A 'nought to sixty' is a right whopper, and could accelerate whoever dropped it to dangerous speeds.

A 'strap yourselves down' is about as strong as it gets, and could help a dwarf achieve flight.

And finally, the legendary 'dark side of the moon', or simply 'dark side'. If released on a mountain top, it could put a dwarf into orbit. There is no evidence that a 'dark side' is anything more than a myth. All the same, if you see a dwarf on a moutain, with a red face... take cover.

You can't be too careful around dwarfs wind.

**A/N:** Thank you for reading! The '**Lost Colony**' should be up soon. Thank you!


	5. Book 5

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL NOR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS, AND THE TYPING HERE IS JUST A TRANSLATION OF ONE OF THE BOOKS

**Review Replys:**

**Holly25Trouble:** Yeah, I have the bigger books, you know with the newer covers. They seem to hold different writing to those of the old covers. Thank you for reviewing!!

**Artemis Fowl**

_The Lost Colony_

The demon scrolls tell of a warlock that will come to save our people, but I wouldn't rely too much on the scrolls. They also say that rabbits are supreme beings, and that the best cure for a sore throat is a poultice of dung and old socks. There are, however, a few basic tips for survival in a demon tribe that might be helpful if you were human say, and had never actually met a demon before. Which is unlikely to say the least. If you were human, say, wouldn't be able to read this in the first place.

So. Demon survival tips.

First, never stab a demon with his own sword. This is the ultimate insult and will result in a vendetta that could go for generations. It is fine to stab a demon with your sword, he will congratulate you for managing that, but only poor worriors lose their swords, and then get stabbed with them. If oppotunity arises, give it a miss.

Second. Demons have a retty comprehensive system of sign language in which buttock slapping features heavily. It is very important not to slap the wrong buttock. Never slap someone elses buttock unless they have stabbed you with your own sword, that is consisdered very bad manners. And learn the difference between the left buttock slap and the right buttock slap. If a passerby aims his buttocks at you and slaps the left one, it means that there is a full moon due that evening and he hopes you will join him for the traditional hunt. If he slaps the right buttock it simply means that you remind him of his right buttock. You can see where the problems could arise.

Finally, never sneeze into your fist. Always allow the sneeze to run free into the air. Medical demons assure us that the sneeze comprises of millions of tiny flying demons that zoom around the earth until they can find a human to land on. When they alight on their host, humans, they hack into their scalps with tiny axes causing terrible headaches which make the humans easy to defeat in battle. So, when a demon sneezes immediately slap your right buttock in the direction of the sneeze so that the tiny demons can pass on the message to the human they land on.

**

* * *

**

**Leoanda:** Well, there you have it! The last one until the new book comes out. Buy the way, at the end of the book, it has a little puzzle where you can figure out where Artemis is going in the next book.

If you do not wish to know, then leave this page

**NOW**

Helsinki Harbour


	6. Book 6

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL NOR ANY OF THE WRITTEN PIECES BELOW. THIS IS MERELY TO POINT OUT WHAT IS WRITTEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOOKS.

**Review Replies:**

**Sqweeblez:** Thank you! Yes, I'm always bored when I do these. Strangely enough, I always have this weird sense of pride when I've finished translating though. It's like I've learnt a new language. Haha! Thank you once again! *Bows*

**Artemis Fowl  
and the Time Paradox  
**_by Leoanda Taylor_

From the collected correspondence of Opal Koboi, a series of letters between Opal Koboi, inmate number Atlantis Maximum Security Penitentiary, and Wing Commander Vinyaya, Haven Council.

Koboi:

"My dear Wing Commander,  
While I realize that my first probation hearing is not due for four hundred years I feel that it would be in the peoples best interest to release me before then.  
After all, the humans are becoming more sophisticated daily and a genius such as myself will be needed to ensure that fairy technology remains superior to human technology."

Vinyaya:

"Dream on Koboi. You're in prison. Accept it."

Koboi:

"I am sensing negative vibrations from you Wing Commander. Do not be so quick to judge. People can change, surely you accept that?  
I admit that once I found the idea of being the planets supreme power attractive one, but who hasn't secretly nurtured the dream of wiping out humanity and utterly dominating ones own peers?  
I see now that this dream might be unacceptable to some narrow minded fairies and I am prepared to swear on my Pixie Honor that should I be released, I would not attempt to take over the world again."

Vinyaya:

"On your Pixies Honor? Wow! I'll send the transfer shuttle right over."

Koboi:

"I see now Wing Commander, that you never had any intention of sending the transfer shuttle right over. In fact, you were being sarcastic. Mocking me from the safety of the Police Plaza in Haven.  
I waited for three weeks before I realized that the shuttle was not coming for me. I packed my belongings so that I would be ready. Including my collection of model sea horses which I fashioned from chewed cardboard.  
My favorite sea horses, Twinky and Goodboy, were broken in the process.  
Twinky cries every night over her severed tail, and Goodboy does not look so dashing without his head.  
Your callousness leaves me no alternative but to place you on my revenge list. When I am free of this horrible place and elevated to my rightful position as Queen to the World, you will take my place in this cell and I will send my Troll minions to issue daily beatings with batons fashioned from sea horse tails.  
A fitting punishment, I'm sure you agree."

Vinyaya:

"See you in four hundred years."

Leoanda: Gotta love Vinyaya! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this one! I can't wait for the next book! Man the twins are hilarious and I love Angelina! She rocks! ^__^


	7. Book 7

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL NOR ANY OF THE WRITTEN PIECES BELOW. THIS IS MERELY TO POINT OUT WHAT IS WRITTEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOOKS.

**Review Replies:**

**random fics:** I know what you mean! My parents think I'm right daft. But at least I can say I know a second language now. Haha! Thank you for reviewing!

**Doctor Kaminari:** Thank you for reviewing, and I know that this isn't a fic, but I actually enjoy translating, and some people wanna know whats at the bottom, so I thought I should put it up here. Thank you so much though!

**Duck R Evil:** Thank you for point out the mistake! I think it was a typo on my part. You had to do it for school? Thats way better than anything I had to do. Thank you!

**katiehorse: **Believe me, the time and effort is worth it! And, yes here is the new book! It floored me when I found it. I was just walking in ASDA when I saw it, and I hadn't even known that it had come out yet! Thank you for reviewing!

**Sunfall E:** Yeah, I know what you mean. Once you've remember one sentance, it all comes back. Thank you so much!

**Silvermoon of Forestclan:** Yeah, I know that there a two different versions for each book, but it's been hard tracking down the other ones, so I haven't been able to do them. I have a friend who says that he's got them though so I'll probably translate them when I nick them from him at some point. Thank you for reviewing!

**BandLupine:** Yay! 'Artemis Graffiti'. I like that. Thank you!

**The Capslock Savior:** They are good fun. Thank you for reviewing!

**Artemis Fowl  
and the Atlantis Complex  
**_by Leoanda Taylor_

From the V. Diary of Artemis Fowl II  
Commentary by Dr. J. Argon (LEP Consultant and Grand Probe-Miester of Psych Brotherhood)

Artemis Fowl appears on screen.

He is dishevelled and toys incessantly with a small coin. Both the untidiness and the fidgeting are most unusual. Artemis Fowl is known for his attention to detail especially where his own grooming and presentation is concerned. His voice too is cause for worry. Stress readings are in the nineties, and his lower ranges are skewed a full third of an octave below the norm based on comparisons with interview room recordings.

Artemis holds the coin between his thumb and forefinger, and we see that there is a circular hole in the centre. The coin obviously holds some great significance for the boy. He slams it down on to the desk, then picks it back up again and spins it. Unable it would seem to let it be. Early signs of compulsion.

Worrying.

He speaks.

Artemis: People called me a boy genius. A wunderkind. Perhaps I was a prodigy. But I will be fifteen soon and too old for that label. So, what am I then? A teenage criminal mastermind perhaps, or just a common thief? Who can a thief trust? There were a few I thought. But could I have been wrong? Is that possible?

Artemis taps the coin against the surface of the desk precisely twenty times before speaking again. Perhaps there is no significance to the number twenty. Artemis Fowl frowns and rubs the deep line between his brows.

Artemis: I thought I knew everything. Now I think I know too much. This new knowledge these compulsions are taking me over. Soon they will drive my very speech patterns.

He taps the coin on the desk. Twenty times again. He seems not to want to do it but is compelled. Oh dear. It is just as Captain Short said. I am worried now. Very worried.

Note: Check legality of using insulin shock therapy or possibly psycho-surgery on humans.


End file.
